Top 10 Horror Guilty Pleasures

As a horror fan, I have to accept the fact that there's a lot of bad movies that come through the pipeline. What restores my faith in the genre are the diamonds in the rough. But, what proves that I really love the horror genre more than any other is the fact that I can like some of the less desirable movies. Every horror fan likes movies that have been panned by critics, fans, or everyone in between. These are my top 10 horror guilty pleasures.

10. Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009):
When this film was released, it was a well known fact that it was doomed from the start. It was in development for years, and the director Ti West totally disowned the film because the studio came in and changed many parts of it.  But in all honesty, I thought it was a pretty great sequel to an already cheesy original. I won't go into too much detail, but the film opens with a bloody bang (literally) and never lets up.  There's a plethora of nasty isolated gags throughout the first half of the flick, and then when all hell breaks loose on prom night, it's a total gore fest until the end. What more can you ask for? With a great cast including Giuseppe Andrews reprising his role as Deputy Winston (who has the funniest moments in the movie), a solid main cast, gore galore, and great humor, this is a very enjoyable sequel. Maybe it's because I really like Ti West, or maybe it's because I wasn't expecting much, but I liked this movie a lot more than I thought I would. I really recommend this if you liked the original, and you're open minded. I will say, however, that the epilogue is completely unwatchable. It features pointless cameos from the producers, and it's painful to sit through. So, when you know the movie is over (it's obvious when it "ends") shut it off right away.

9. Survival of the Dead (2010):
George A. Romero's "of the dead" films are legendary, and have set the bar for every zombie movie ever made. The original trilogy (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, & Day of the Dead) are all absolute classics. The new trilogy (Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead,  Survival of the Dead) are where fans get divided. While Land and Diary are more universally accepted, Survival always gets the shaft. I personally loved it. If I'm being honest here, Dawn of the Dead never took itself too seriously; something that became prevalent in the other entries. The effects and acting were cheesy, and the same thing can be said about Survival. Survival takes on the same kind of tone of Dawn. I think it's because Dawn is my favorite Romero zombie film that I was ready to accept Survival more easily than others. I just like how breezy and silly it is. It's fun, gory, has a great location, a pretty original story, and the classic zombies only a Romero film can have. I've heard that Romero wasn't very pleased with Survival himself and that his next zombie movie will be much better, but I really liked it. Regardless, keep 'em coming!


8. Final Destination 3/The Final Destination (2006)/(2009):
The Final Destination series is very uneven. The first, second, and fifth are generally hailed as the best of the series, while the third and fourth are ridiculed.  I put these both on the list together because people seem to hate them, and I like them for the same reasons; they're silly. Plain and simple. These films, for whatever reason, threw the serious tone of the first and second film out the window to create more "teen crowd" kind of films. While, yes, they are my two least favorite films in the series, I still really enjoy watching them. The third film has some great deaths, as does the fourth, and sometimes that's just what I'm in the mood for. I just want to shut my brain off and enjoy a good bit of the ol' ultra-violence.  I am quite glad that the fifth film went back to a more serious tone, but it's also good to have those sillier entries as well.

7. Halloween 2 (2009):
When Rob Zombie remade Halloween in 2007, it was met with mixed reviews from the fans. Some, like myself, appreciated what he did with the material, and enjoyed it as a Rob Zombie film. Others absolutely hated him for it, and claimed that he destroyed the legacy of a horror classic. Halloween 2 on the other hand, divided fans even more, and this time the group that liked the film was vastly smaller. I really enjoyed the film. I wrote about it a while ago, so I won't get into it too much, but I thought of it as not part of the Halloween universe and I think that allowed me to enjoy it more. It's brutal, gritty, gorgeous (if that's possible), and it has a great cast. I say, clear your brain of all memory of the Halloween franchise, and watch this as its own standalone movie.

6. Orphan (2009):
This film does have a pretty significant fan base. I thought I'd get that out of the way right now. But, there's also a great deal of people who despise this film. I personally think it's one of the best killer kid movies ever made. The cast is really what makes the movie great. The child actors they hired couldn't have done a better job. The main character is so menacing that every time she was on screen, I got the chills. Plus, unlike other killer kid movies, she actually kills people. Yes, on top of all the suspense, there are a couple pretty brutal killings. The film is superbly directed, and it moves along at a very quick pace despite it's lengthly runtime. There is a twist at the end, and I can honestly say I didn't see it coming. Many claim that they saw it coming a mile away, but not me. It's a beautifully shot, brutal little film that I think a lot of people overlooked.

5. Piranha 3DD (2012):
Alexandre Aja's Piranha in 2010 was awesome. It was gory (one of the goriest films I think I've ever seen), full of T&A, and absolutely hilarious. So, when a sequel was announced, I got pretty excited. Sure it's a different director, but I was eager to see where they would go with a second movie. The results were a bit surprising... Okay, this movie is terrible. Even I know that it's God awful. But it's fun. When I watched this, I was just blown away at how stupid it was. The second rate effects, the pointless cameos, the extremely short runtime. This film is a disaster, but for some reason I'm drawn to it. It doesn't even come close to being as gory as the first film, the acting is terrible, and the direction is shoddy. Maybe it's a "so bad it's good" kind of deal, or maybe it's like a car wreck you can't look away from. All I know is, is that I couldn't get enough of it. It's a real mystery, but a fun watch nonetheless.

4. Splice (2010)
I absolutely loved this film. I honestly don't know how people could hate it. Right away, I felt like I was watching some twisted Frankenstein/Alien hybrid film. The story is very original and the acting is superb. Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley do a great job as a pair of new parents to this creature. I think what thew most people off when watching the films was how sexual it got. Well, if I'm not mistaken Ridley Scott purposely made the creature in Alien phallic to create unease. I think that just makes things so much more bizarre and unnerving when the director uses something that should be good, and mixes it with this sci-fi creature elements. And for me personally, I just accepted it. It made me feel uneasy. Isn't that what a horror movie should do? Plus, I've always been partial it sci-fi horror films, so I might be a little biased. Overall, it's a unique, creepy, disgusting little flick.

3. The Wolfman (2010):
This film was hated by just about everyone. Even the director himself said that the film was rushed and he wasn't satisfied with the final product. I went and saw it in the theater, despite all the negativity, and I loved it. Maybe it was because I didn't know how insanely gory it would be, or maybe it was because Rick Baker's make up effects put me in a trance, who knows. All I know is, I had a great time watching it on the big screen. Yes, the transformation scenes are CGI and yes the pacing is a bit slow in some places, but those are minor in my opinion. The acting makes up for the lulls in the story, and, like I mentioned before, Rick Bakers outstanding (and Oscar nominated) make up effects on the creature definitely outshine the computer generated effects of the film. The wolfman attacks are gory and brutal, and they left me very satisfied. I loved this film, despite it's iffy reception.

2. The Last Exorcism (2010):
This film is definitely an acquired taste. First of all, it's a found footage film (a sub-genre that a lot of people hate), and it's yet another exorcism film. I was interested in this film for quite some time before it was released, and it received generally positive reviews from critics. however, fans' reviews were mostly negative. I was torn, but still curious about this flick. When I saw it, I though it was a very clever movie that turned the tired exorcist plot on its head. I really enjoyed how the man performing the exorcisms knew it was all fake and he did it for show. That made it so much more creepy and devastating when the satanic stuff kicks in to full gear. It's a very well done horror film, with a great cast, some genuine scares, and an original concept.

1. My Soul to Take (2010):
Okay, I absolutely know that this film is a mess. The writing is atrocious, the acting is subpar, the storyline is way too complicated, and there's little to no scares. So why do I like it? I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because I respect Wes Craven a great deal or maybe, like Piranha, it's just so bad I can't help but watch it. Whatever it may be, I just find this movie irresistible to watch. Okay, the killer is pretty cool, and a few of the death scenes are well done. But for any other movie, those elements wouldn't carry the whole film. It's a mystery, but I just can't get enough of this film. My Soul to Take just disappeared into obscurity after Wes Craven made Scream 4, and that's probably a good thing. I think this movie is made to be a cult hit by guys like me.



Well, there you have it. These are films that I personally loved knowing 100% that they were universally panned. But hey, that's the beauty of having an opinion!

Black Swan

Horror comes in many different shades. When I heard about Black Swan, I thought it just sounded like an average "sports drama" with a bit of a twist. Little did I know that it's a horror film through and through.  It wasn't marketed as such, but Black Swan has hallucinations, violence, an eerie score, and, of course, direction by Darren Aronofsky. If that's not a recipe for a horror film, I don't know what is.

The film is about a girl named Nina (played by Natalie Portman), who wants more than anything to be the star of an upcoming production of Swan Lake.  She practices and practices under the control of her overbearing mother.  Nina is shocked to learn that she got the lead, although the play director says he's convinced by her white swan performance, but she needs her to perfect the part of the black swan.  This starts Nina's journey to becoming perfect.

The film follows Nina's slow descent into madness as she gets every aspect of her performance just right. Very early on, Nina starts having bizarre hallucinations. She sees herself everywhere, and she also has violent visions.  One particularly gruesome scene shows Nina pulling skin off her finger, only to have the wound gone a moment later. These hallucinations become more and more like Nina's reality, and at the end of the film we literally see her turn her into the black swan.  A truly beautiful yet terrifying image. She also imagines a sexual encounter with Lily, a fellow dancer. This is very disturbing, because it shows her wanting to "relax" and yet, it was all just a twisted vision in Nina's broken mind. We instantly gain sympathy for Nina because she is so innocent. She's very childlike as she lives with her mother, and denies any sexual activity or drugs.  We want her to be okay by the end of this film, and we really feel her pain as she transforms for her role.

Black Swan is directed to perfection by Darren Aronofsky.  He used primarily 16mm cameras, which really makes the horror elements that much more gritty and scary. He also shoots everything very intimately, whether it's Nina at home or practicing in the dancing studio.  This allows Aronofsky to show us everything, and give us a feeling of no escape. We are with Nina on this journey whether we like it or not.  Also, his signature "following" shot (following the actor while he/she is walking) is here as well. Again, this is used to make us feel like we're right there with Nina throughout the whole film.  Mirrors are also used in nearly every shot in the film.  This gives an opportunity for stylized shots while obviously symbolizing the two-sided nature if Nina's character.

Finally, the acting is impeccable, and it makes the movie.  Natalie Portman won an Oscar for her performance, and she deserved it.  Her performance, is creepy, sad, and most importantly, devoted 100% to the insane script.  The supporting players also do an amazing job.  Mila Kunis as Lily is great as Nina's "friend" with a bit of a dark side.  Vincent Cassel (who I know from Irreversible) is outstanding as the director.  His methods are quite extreme, but in the end, fortunately or not, they work.  Finally, Barbara Hershey is terrific as Nina's mother. You can tell she's way over protective, but you also feel bad because she doesn't want her baby to grow up.

Black Swan is amazing.  If you're a horror fan with an open mind, I say definitely check this one out.  It's a twisted sort of coming-of-age film, with violence, bizarre imagery, and a handful of great performances. If you think it will be like Aronofsky's previous film The Wrestler, go watch Argento's Suspiria; that will give you a much better idea of what you're in for.

My Ranking of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Films

The revving chainsaw. The flashbulb noise. The voice over. Trademarks from one of the most infamous, controversial, and uneven horror film series of all time. I'm talking about the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre. These films range from being widely acclaimed to universally despised, but I think we can all agree that these films are an important part of horror history. This is my ranking of the series.

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974):
Tobe Hooper's terrifying original film still holds up extremely well today. It may not be as gory as the title suggests, but what it lacks in blood, it more than makes up for in true scares. It was shot in 16mm so it's gritty, and it takes on an almost documentary feel. It's truly terrifying (something the later entries seriously lack), and atmospheric. There are a few gore shots, but it's the look of terror in the victims' faces, and the psychotic cannibal family that makes this movie scary. It's a horror classic that will never fade away.

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986):
This film couldn't be more different compared to the original, and that's why it's so good. It swaps out scares and atmosphere with over the top gore and dark comedy. It works so well because its not trying to be a retread of the original, it just does its own thing. The Tom Savini gore is outstanding, and the performances, especially Bill Moseley, are great. This entry (not including the prequel) is for the gore hounds.

3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003):
This is a fantastically made remake. It follows the original story loosely, which was a very smart move. While it does up the gore, it isn't too extreme, keeping with the chills and atmosphere of the original. The cinematography is amazing, and there are some genuinely creepy moments. The acting is great, and this film has one of the best Leatherfaces of the series. A rare remake that actually works.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006):
I was very pleasantly surprised with this film. Like part 2, this movie relies mostly on the gore, which is fine by me. This is, without a doubt, the goriest entry in the whole series. There are many chainsaw kills which are satisfying, and this one even has a "dinner scene" paying homage to the original. It was fun to see how Leatherface was born, and how the twisted cannibal family came to be. This one is definitely for gore lovers, but not much more.

5. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 (1990):
To me this movie is just okay. Yes, there are some gory moments as well as creepy ones, but this film left much to be desired. The real treat in this film is Ken Foree's character; He's a total bad ass (when is he not?). Other than that though, the acting is pretty good, and there are some solid kills, but it's missing the true terror of some of the other entries.

6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994):
Truly terrible. From the very first frame, this film makes no sense at all. There are way to many things being thrown at you, and it never feels like a Massacre flick. The acting is horrific, the story is doomed from the start, and there isn't one single chainsaw kill. I counted one scene that I thought looked cool, and it was ripped off from the original! Leatherface dresses fully in drag, and it inspires more laughter than screams. The ending is insanely confusing and stupid, and it made me angry. It's good for a laugh with your buddies, but do NOT expect good horror.

Well, there you have it. All of these films (excluding Generations) are definitely worth watching for one reason of another. That's what I love most about this series; every film is different and it rarely ever follows the same formula or tone. Other horror franchises could learn a thing or two from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! I really can't wait for the next entry, because the buzzzz will always be back!

Funny Games

Talking about Michael Haneke's 'Funny Games' can get a bit tricky. He made an austrian language version of the film in 1997. I have not seen this version, and the reason is very clear; ten years later, Haneke remade the film for US audiences himself. Yes, a writer/director made a shot for shot remake of his own film. Having said that, reviewing one is pretty much exactly like reviewing the other. I've only seen the US version, but I'm obviously not missing anything. Here are my thoughts on the 2007 version of 'Funny Games.'

The film starts off pretty in a standard way; a family goes to their vacation home for relaxation, but are soon forced to play sadistic "games" by two psychotic yuppies. What may sound like a by-the-books home invasion film is really a darkly comic, extremely disturbing film with an actual message about violence.

The story is quite different from other home invasion movies. The yuppies make their way into the family's home and slowly become more and more aggressive. Their petty acts finally escalate and they end up breaking the husband's leg. The family realizes that the yuppies aren't just pulling a prank, and things get serious. The two psychos have a sit down with the family and make a bet; they bet that the family will be dead in 12 hours, and they force the family to bet the opposite. Let the games begin.

The acting in this movie is outstanding. Naomi Watts and Tim Roth are great as the unfortunate couple put through the wringer. Even Devon Gearhart, who plays their son, does a great job with the little screen time and dialogue he's given. Despite being pretty big stars, I really felt Watts' and Roth's pain, and I found their performances to be all too real. The main attraction for me, though, is Michael Pitt and Brady Corbet as the insane captors. They are well spoken, well dressed young men, and their games are sadistic. The way they interact both with each other and the doomed family creates an uneasy feeling throughout the whole film. It's like nothing I've ever watched before.

The "games" they play are cruel and perfectly staged. Whether it's a game of hot and cold gone bad, or a simple guessing game, they're all twisted and set up with deranged glee by the yuppies. You can tell these guys are just doing it for fun, and that's what makes this film so disturbing. Even when they break the fourth wall (something reserved usually for comedies) it's just as sick as what's happening within the plot. This should be tongue in cheek, but it's the polar opposite.

Not only do the captors play games with the family, but Haneke plays games with the audience as well. Breaking the fourth wall puts us right there in the house, watching these terrible events unfold. We are truly at the mercy of the director, and he doesn't play nice. Another thing Haneke does is hide the violence. Nothing violent actually happens on screen (well nothing real, anyways), and that really makes things interesting. In a movie like this, you're waiting for some kind of payoff, whether it's the demise of the victims or the villains. Haneke never gives us this payoff, making you think of how you watch films. It's a great way to be stylish and disturbing, while getting your message across at the same time.

This film is clever, darkly (and I mean DARKLY) comic, and disturbing with style to spare. Michael Haneke's 'Funny Games' should not be missed. Now, shall we begin?

My Ranking of the Wrong Turn Films

The murderous hillbilly/in-bread family sub genre of horror is very played out. We all know of the most popular ones, like The Hills Have Eyes or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, but I feel like the Wrong Turn movies are often overlooked. To me, these films are a lot of fun, and they have some of the most menacing antagonists that this sub genre has to offer. Sure they have a fraction of the budget that those other franchises have, and all but the first went straight to DVD, but maybe that's what makes them so much fun to watch. I personally enjoyed them all (to a degree). Read on for my ranking of this series.

1. Wrong Turn 2: Left for Dead (2007):
A truly awesome movie. Without a doubt the most entertaining the series. This one has great characters (no, really), amazing set pieces, and it more than delivers on the gore. The opening scene alone, where a girl is sliced clean in half vertically, causing her guts to spill all over the street, is worth the price alone. I wasn't a big fan of the reality show spoof plot, but luckily the good ol' mutants break that up in no time. The kills are surprising and gory as hell, and the characters make smart decisions (for the most part). My only wish was that they went somewhere with the disgusting ending in the next sequels.

2. Wrong Turn (2003):
This is probably the best made out of all of these films, and it was the only one to have a theatrical run. The story is pretty straight forward and the characters are tolerable. The three mutants are the most scary in this one; they stick to the shadows, they're brutal, and their laughing isn't annoying yet. The kills are very cool, especially the half decapitation and the barb wire in the mouth. Overall, it's a suspenseful film with great villains and awesome kills.


3. Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011):
I was pleasantly surprised with this one. After the third film being such a disappointment (more on that later), I had low expectations for this installment. I love the setting, both the abandoned asylum and the snow; It's a fresh change that the series needed. On top of that, there are some actual creepy scenes, one in particular involving a two-way mirror. The kills are outstanding. We have gargantuan drills going through bodies, a live human feast, and a great decapitation, among others. The characters were pretty stupid and the acting was subpar, but the gore and suspense made up for the weaknesses.

4. Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012):
This movie has awesome kills, and an awesome title screen... And that's pretty much it. It's definitely not as bad as other people/reviews are saying, but it's still a very weak entry in the series. Honestly, when I watch a slasher I expect two things: boobs and blood. In that respect, this movie definitely delivers. Sure, a good story and acting would've been nice, but that not a deal breaker for me. Overall, watch this one for the kills, and only the kills.

5. Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009):
The opening scene for this movie was amazing. It had awesome gore, some humor, and it gave me hope for a good movie. Unfortunately, that's where the good aspects end. The characters are all just mean, and there's no comic relief. It's just a mean spirited film that I had a hard time getting into. The cheap CGI is distracting, but it's direct to DVD so I let it slide. It's dull most of the time, and there's not enough of the three mutants. It's watchable, but it's my least favorite in the series.

Three Finger, One Eye, and Saw Tooth are great antagonists to a pretty solid series of films. When you take into account that these are just dumb, low budget slashers, you'll have fun watching them. I say take a wrong turn and check these flicks out.