My Ranking of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Films

The revving chainsaw. The flashbulb noise. The voice over. Trademarks from one of the most infamous, controversial, and uneven horror film series of all time. I'm talking about the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre. These films range from being widely acclaimed to universally despised, but I think we can all agree that these films are an important part of horror history. This is my ranking of the series.

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974):
Tobe Hooper's terrifying original film still holds up extremely well today. It may not be as gory as the title suggests, but what it lacks in blood, it more than makes up for in true scares. It was shot in 16mm so it's gritty, and it takes on an almost documentary feel. It's truly terrifying (something the later entries seriously lack), and atmospheric. There are a few gore shots, but it's the look of terror in the victims' faces, and the psychotic cannibal family that makes this movie scary. It's a horror classic that will never fade away.

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986):
This film couldn't be more different compared to the original, and that's why it's so good. It swaps out scares and atmosphere with over the top gore and dark comedy. It works so well because its not trying to be a retread of the original, it just does its own thing. The Tom Savini gore is outstanding, and the performances, especially Bill Moseley, are great. This entry (not including the prequel) is for the gore hounds.

3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003):
This is a fantastically made remake. It follows the original story loosely, which was a very smart move. While it does up the gore, it isn't too extreme, keeping with the chills and atmosphere of the original. The cinematography is amazing, and there are some genuinely creepy moments. The acting is great, and this film has one of the best Leatherfaces of the series. A rare remake that actually works.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006):
I was very pleasantly surprised with this film. Like part 2, this movie relies mostly on the gore, which is fine by me. This is, without a doubt, the goriest entry in the whole series. There are many chainsaw kills which are satisfying, and this one even has a "dinner scene" paying homage to the original. It was fun to see how Leatherface was born, and how the twisted cannibal family came to be. This one is definitely for gore lovers, but not much more.

5. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 (1990):
To me this movie is just okay. Yes, there are some gory moments as well as creepy ones, but this film left much to be desired. The real treat in this film is Ken Foree's character; He's a total bad ass (when is he not?). Other than that though, the acting is pretty good, and there are some solid kills, but it's missing the true terror of some of the other entries.

6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994):
Truly terrible. From the very first frame, this film makes no sense at all. There are way to many things being thrown at you, and it never feels like a Massacre flick. The acting is horrific, the story is doomed from the start, and there isn't one single chainsaw kill. I counted one scene that I thought looked cool, and it was ripped off from the original! Leatherface dresses fully in drag, and it inspires more laughter than screams. The ending is insanely confusing and stupid, and it made me angry. It's good for a laugh with your buddies, but do NOT expect good horror.

Well, there you have it. All of these films (excluding Generations) are definitely worth watching for one reason of another. That's what I love most about this series; every film is different and it rarely ever follows the same formula or tone. Other horror franchises could learn a thing or two from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! I really can't wait for the next entry, because the buzzzz will always be back!

Funny Games

Talking about Michael Haneke's 'Funny Games' can get a bit tricky. He made an austrian language version of the film in 1997. I have not seen this version, and the reason is very clear; ten years later, Haneke remade the film for US audiences himself. Yes, a writer/director made a shot for shot remake of his own film. Having said that, reviewing one is pretty much exactly like reviewing the other. I've only seen the US version, but I'm obviously not missing anything. Here are my thoughts on the 2007 version of 'Funny Games.'

The film starts off pretty in a standard way; a family goes to their vacation home for relaxation, but are soon forced to play sadistic "games" by two psychotic yuppies. What may sound like a by-the-books home invasion film is really a darkly comic, extremely disturbing film with an actual message about violence.

The story is quite different from other home invasion movies. The yuppies make their way into the family's home and slowly become more and more aggressive. Their petty acts finally escalate and they end up breaking the husband's leg. The family realizes that the yuppies aren't just pulling a prank, and things get serious. The two psychos have a sit down with the family and make a bet; they bet that the family will be dead in 12 hours, and they force the family to bet the opposite. Let the games begin.

The acting in this movie is outstanding. Naomi Watts and Tim Roth are great as the unfortunate couple put through the wringer. Even Devon Gearhart, who plays their son, does a great job with the little screen time and dialogue he's given. Despite being pretty big stars, I really felt Watts' and Roth's pain, and I found their performances to be all too real. The main attraction for me, though, is Michael Pitt and Brady Corbet as the insane captors. They are well spoken, well dressed young men, and their games are sadistic. The way they interact both with each other and the doomed family creates an uneasy feeling throughout the whole film. It's like nothing I've ever watched before.

The "games" they play are cruel and perfectly staged. Whether it's a game of hot and cold gone bad, or a simple guessing game, they're all twisted and set up with deranged glee by the yuppies. You can tell these guys are just doing it for fun, and that's what makes this film so disturbing. Even when they break the fourth wall (something reserved usually for comedies) it's just as sick as what's happening within the plot. This should be tongue in cheek, but it's the polar opposite.

Not only do the captors play games with the family, but Haneke plays games with the audience as well. Breaking the fourth wall puts us right there in the house, watching these terrible events unfold. We are truly at the mercy of the director, and he doesn't play nice. Another thing Haneke does is hide the violence. Nothing violent actually happens on screen (well nothing real, anyways), and that really makes things interesting. In a movie like this, you're waiting for some kind of payoff, whether it's the demise of the victims or the villains. Haneke never gives us this payoff, making you think of how you watch films. It's a great way to be stylish and disturbing, while getting your message across at the same time.

This film is clever, darkly (and I mean DARKLY) comic, and disturbing with style to spare. Michael Haneke's 'Funny Games' should not be missed. Now, shall we begin?

My Ranking of the Wrong Turn Films

The murderous hillbilly/in-bread family sub genre of horror is very played out. We all know of the most popular ones, like The Hills Have Eyes or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, but I feel like the Wrong Turn movies are often overlooked. To me, these films are a lot of fun, and they have some of the most menacing antagonists that this sub genre has to offer. Sure they have a fraction of the budget that those other franchises have, and all but the first went straight to DVD, but maybe that's what makes them so much fun to watch. I personally enjoyed them all (to a degree). Read on for my ranking of this series.

1. Wrong Turn 2: Left for Dead (2007):
A truly awesome movie. Without a doubt the most entertaining the series. This one has great characters (no, really), amazing set pieces, and it more than delivers on the gore. The opening scene alone, where a girl is sliced clean in half vertically, causing her guts to spill all over the street, is worth the price alone. I wasn't a big fan of the reality show spoof plot, but luckily the good ol' mutants break that up in no time. The kills are surprising and gory as hell, and the characters make smart decisions (for the most part). My only wish was that they went somewhere with the disgusting ending in the next sequels.

2. Wrong Turn (2003):
This is probably the best made out of all of these films, and it was the only one to have a theatrical run. The story is pretty straight forward and the characters are tolerable. The three mutants are the most scary in this one; they stick to the shadows, they're brutal, and their laughing isn't annoying yet. The kills are very cool, especially the half decapitation and the barb wire in the mouth. Overall, it's a suspenseful film with great villains and awesome kills.


3. Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011):
I was pleasantly surprised with this one. After the third film being such a disappointment (more on that later), I had low expectations for this installment. I love the setting, both the abandoned asylum and the snow; It's a fresh change that the series needed. On top of that, there are some actual creepy scenes, one in particular involving a two-way mirror. The kills are outstanding. We have gargantuan drills going through bodies, a live human feast, and a great decapitation, among others. The characters were pretty stupid and the acting was subpar, but the gore and suspense made up for the weaknesses.

4. Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines (2012):
This movie has awesome kills, and an awesome title screen... And that's pretty much it. It's definitely not as bad as other people/reviews are saying, but it's still a very weak entry in the series. Honestly, when I watch a slasher I expect two things: boobs and blood. In that respect, this movie definitely delivers. Sure, a good story and acting would've been nice, but that not a deal breaker for me. Overall, watch this one for the kills, and only the kills.

5. Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009):
The opening scene for this movie was amazing. It had awesome gore, some humor, and it gave me hope for a good movie. Unfortunately, that's where the good aspects end. The characters are all just mean, and there's no comic relief. It's just a mean spirited film that I had a hard time getting into. The cheap CGI is distracting, but it's direct to DVD so I let it slide. It's dull most of the time, and there's not enough of the three mutants. It's watchable, but it's my least favorite in the series.

Three Finger, One Eye, and Saw Tooth are great antagonists to a pretty solid series of films. When you take into account that these are just dumb, low budget slashers, you'll have fun watching them. I say take a wrong turn and check these flicks out.

The Human Centipede 2

I love extreme horror. It takes you places you wouldn't dare go in real life. The directors are fearless, and the images are grotesque. I love this genre, which is the exact reason I loathed The Human Centipede the first time I watched it. It was billed as "the sickest film ever made" and it was most definitely not. While I do respect it more now, it just was such a let down at the time. I'm fine with bloodless horror movies, but if it's advertised as a sick disgusting film, I kind of expect just that. At any rate, when the sequel came out, I was rightfully hesitant to see it. I read that it was more gross and explicit than the first one, but that didn't mean much to me. But being the horror fiend that I am, I rented it on demand, and I was completely blown away.

Everything good about the first film was magnified, and everything bad about it was addressed and promptly fixed. This time around, the film actually lives up to the hype, and succeeds in giving us a truly nasty flick.

The story revolves around Martin, a mute, disgustingly overweight guy who becomes obsessed with the first film (yes, they took a meta approach with this one). He loves The Human Centipede so much that he wants to make a creature of his own. He proceeds to capture people from the parking garage where he works, and takes them to a warehouse. He then grabs all of his household appliances (hammer, stapler, duct tape, etc) and attempts to make his own centipede. He succeeds. Oh, and it's a whopping twelve people long this time!

The film was shot in color but changed to black & white in post production because director Tom Six thought it looked scarier. I personally loved this choice as it leaves a lot to the imagination and makes the film look very raw and gritty. Also, like a lot of black & white movies these days, there is a splash of color near the end of the film (hint: it's brown).

The gore is amazing. It's very gruesome, especially when compared to the first film. This time around, we're treated with head bashing, teeth being extracted with a hammer, the caving in of faces, and messy, dirty, home-style surgery. I was very pleasantly surprised at his how deliciously gory this one was. The centipede, when finally assembled, was very cool and worth the long wait. There are also some sequences that launch it into extreme horror territory; one is a grotesque scene involving sandpaper, and another involves a baby. But, as I said, all of these things just prove that the ads were accurate this time around.

After watching this, I was so satisfied and it actually made me respect the first film more. What I hope Tom Six was thinking was, "look what I did with the first film, now look what I can do with the second." He made a somewhat disturbing film, and then he blind-sided everyone with its sequel. It's an awesome, grimy little horror flick, that will live in infamy as one of the sickest films ever made (for real this time).

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Remember The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Of course you do, it's an immortal cult classic and one of the main innovators of modern horror. Everyone knows and loves the original 1974 film but to me, the 1986 sequel doesn't get enough love. Sure, it up's the gore and skimps on the true scares but taken as its own film, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is a masterpiece.

The plot revolves around Stretch, a local radio DJ, who reluctantly becomes tangled up in the Sawyer family madness when one of their crimes gets recorded on her show. Meanwhile Lefty, a lone wolf sheriff, is on the hunt to put a stop to these horrific crimes once and for all.

There are so many great things about this movie, starting with the brilliant opening scene. The movie opens on a couple of annoying yuppies on their way to "the biggest party of the world." They call in to Stretch's radio show and harass her for a bit. They call back again later for more fun, but then they run into a mysterious truck on a bridge. The truck starts to follow the yuppies, and Leatherface appears. While the two cars are driving side by side, Leatherface starts to attack the yuppies with his trusty chainsaw. Just when the guys think they've outrun the maniacs, the guy in the passenger seat looks over to see the top of his friend's head has been sawed off. The car speeds off the side of the road, thus starting this wild ride of a movie.

That opening scene, with it's amazing Tom Savini gore and Oingo Boingo's 'No One Lives Forever' playing in the background, sets up this film perfectly. Gone is the serious tone and chills of the original. This time around, we're treated with dark comedy and over the top violence. This film is an amazing sequel because it doesn't try to be like the original, it just does its own thing.

The acting is really quite good, and all of the characters are memorable. Most notably, Dennis Hopper is appropriately whacky as the sheriff out for vengeance. He looks like he had a great time, which is always nice when a big actor does horror. Caroline Williams is also very good as the scream queen of the flick. But my personal favorite character is Chop Top played by Bill Moseley. He's gross, weird, hilarious, and scary.

Speaking of gross, the gore in this flick is amazing. Without cutting away from anything, we see heads being chainsawed in half, skin warn away around a metal plate on Chop Top's head, heads being bashed with a hammer, and someone's entire body being skinned. The effects are from Tom Savini, so you know you're in for a treat. There's even a chainsaw going through someone's body and we see it still revving! That's impressive.


The set pieces are also a major character if this film. The radio station is memorable, especially when Leatherface and Chop Top come in and pretty much destroy it entirely. But the best set in this movie, hands down, is the underground lair of the Sawyer clan. A deserted theme park is such a good place for all of the carnage and insanity to take place. I see now where Rob Zombie got the idea for his underground finale in House of 1000 Corpses. Every set is colorful, eerie, and goes with the mood of the film perfectly.

Even though it's nothing like what made the original so good, this sequel still deserves a lot of love. It's crazy, fast paced, bloody as all hell, and a really fun watch. Now, go see what all the buzzzz is about!